Hate.


I am lazy.

If you saw my morning routine, you would agree. I wake up, put in my contacts and curl up with my laptop on my stomach and surf the web for about an hour or so, then I go get food. After food, I sit back down, grab my laptop, and lose track of time all over again. Then I shower.

I have a bad habit.

Do you see what it is?

My FIRST activity every morning is to surf on the internet. Wow. I’m kinda pathetic.

I mean, I know a few people who probably do that same thing. I live alone now, so I’m usually bored, and chatting on IM or looking at blogs helps fill that time.

Know what happened today?

Yeah, you guessed it. God showed me a revelation over it all.

(If you read Jon Acuff’s blog, this is going to be a type of the Jesus Juke he talks of. If you don’t read his site… you should.)

“If you spent the same amount of time reading your bible as you do on your laptop, you’d read through your bible in six months.” (I’m pretty sure I exaggerated a little, but it’s more true than you might think…)

He showed me that I’ve begun to completely ignore Him. My whole church right now is all reading through their bible in a year’s time… and I’m on the internet. While everyone is tackling Goliath and hugging the prodigal son, I’m looking up recipes and DIY projects. While everyone is cleaning their acts up and being Jesus, I am caught in my own world oblivious to being anything other than obsessed with myself.

I hate it.

I used to read every day.

I used to send out inspirational texts every day after my quiet times.

I used to be in love with Jesus.

Oh wow. Did she just say that?

Yes. I did. When you think of it though, we all do that.

We wear the “I love Jesus” shirts when we read our bible. We have “I love Jesus” hats for when we do a good deed for someone else. We have the “I love Jesus” attitude when we tithe, worship, minister, pray… you get the idea. I’m not trying to make a joke of these things, but when we do these things something in us changes. Our focus changes. Our eyes are set on God and nothing else.

I could create a whole list of ‘When you fall out of love with Jesus’ stuff (and I actually did but erased it..) but I realized that it all comes down to one thing: ‘We ignore Jesus when we don’t love Him’. Everyday we make a choice to love or hate Jesus, and I’ve realized my actions show that I hate Him more than I love Him. I hate that.

I love Jesus, I do. More than anyone really knows. But my actions, alone and out in the world, show otherwise.

I’ve not put myself in a place intentionally for God to teach me something today, but He taught me something anyways. Could you imagine what He could teach me (and you!) if I chose to spend more time with Him everyday?

So today, just today, look at what you’ve done so far and ask yourself:

Are your actions showing you love Jesus, or hate Him?

I don’t know about you, but I hope from this moment on I reek of love for Him.


I am.


I am:

Obsessive
Controlling
Worrisome
An over analyzer
Jealous
Over achiever
Insecure
My own worst critic
A bad listener
Creative
Way too judging
Encouraging
Selfish
Messy
Unorganized and can be too organized
Loving
Overly clean
Hypocrite
Brunette…

I know some of those contradict others, but that’s me.

I have been presented an opportunity to do what I know is my calling and I’ve been scared to death for the past two days over it. I’ve dissected the good and bad from it, the doors it could open and close, and I have yet to learn the details. I’ve felt as though the person presenting it might have more faith in me than he should, even though I trust him to be a man God talks to like a friend. He didn’t tell me that God ‘told’ him I’m supposed to fit that role (but he didn’t say He didn’t tell him either). He’s left it open for me to pray and decide what God is leading me to. Lets just say, I am my worst critic with this.

I have been so negative about how I would do at this job. I’ve already said I’ll fail at it, disappointing the man presenting this opportunity to me, and miss representing my church and mostly my God. One thing I’ve learned in life is that if you set yourself up for failure, you will fail. I haven’t even been given the job and I already suck at it.

Some of you might know, (and if not, you’re about to..) I am on a drama/dance team that is a group of people who dance as a way of worshiping God and ministering to others. It’s amazing. I love doing it. To me, it’s a way of worship that I can do, that others can see Christ through.

It races my heart, leaves me broken AND lifted up. I feel closer to God while dancing than when doing anything else.***

I tell you that to tell you about a song we are learning to do a dance to. No, not to brag or boast about what we do, but to brag and boast about who we do it for. The song is called “I am”.

Now, this song is powerful. At this VERY moment I am listening to it and can barely type because I have tears streaming down my face. (Go ahead and add ‘overly emotional’ to the list up top..) The lyrics tell who Christ says He is.

“I am:

The Lord
The Almighty God
The one for who nothing is to hard
Your Shepard
The Door
I am the good news to bound and the poor.
The righteous one
The lamb
The ram in the bush for Abraham
The ultimate sacrifice for sin
Your redeemer
The beginning
The end
Jehovah
The King
Messiah
David’s offspring
Your high priest
The Christ
Your resurrection
The Life
The Bread
The wine
Your future, so leave your past behind
The one in the midst of two or three
Your tabernacle
Your jubilee
Hope
Peace
Joy
Rest
Your comfort
Relief from your stress
Strength
Faith
Love
Power
Your Freedom this very Hour!”

You should hear it, amazing.

It doesn’t even begin to describe who my Heavenly Father is, but it’s still such a wonderful description. When I dance to it, I feel as if He is singing over me… (who else just thought of the song Amazed by Lincoln Brewster??)

Today – well, tonight – I came home and began to heat up my leftovers for dinner (chicken fajitas two nights in a row??? Yessss.) I had my computer set up in the kitchen playing a playlist on YouTube. Guess what song came on? Yeah, you guessed it, “I Am”. I began to dance and worship (and cry). When the song was done, it hit me. I mean, brick thrown in the face type of hit. He is.

If I trust Him in leading me on the right path, and honor God with my life, HE WILL BLESS IT AND BE HONORED WITH IT.

No matter what I choose, He WILL be glorified. No matter what I choose, He WILL be blessed. No matter what I do, He WILL be lifted high. And, no matter what I do, He WILL love me for loving and living for Him.

But the whole point of this post is, it doesn’t matter who I am, it’s all about who He was, who He is, and who He promises to be. He says it, teaches it, and represents it throughout the Bible “I am who I am” (Exodus 3:14)

 

*** I would like to point out, praying, reading my Bible and meditating on Him draws me close to God in different ways. I love talking to Him and learning from Him, but worship is my favorite way of connecting with Him.


Basket case.


You are a basket case. Believe me, deep down, your emotions would end up putting you in a nut house if you let them.

Could you imagine, sitting at work, knowing your emotions are just sitting there, waiting to burst out and take over? Letting them do that would cause your boss to think you’re unstable and a nut job.

Same problem, different place. What about at school, on a free day. No finals coming up, no big tests, but you have the emotional range of a teaspoon and you are about to let them flow out of you. Teacher thinks you need to see the nurse, students think you need to pop in another pill and calm down.

Same emotions, new venue. Sitting in a pew, the weight of the world on your shoulders, emotions right behind your eyes, ready to just pour completely out. Reactions? Preacher understands and prays from his seat for you to feel love. Prayer warrior next to you holds your hand and prays that you let it all out. The stranger behind you? Glad they aren’t the only one feeling that way.

Sometimes, I forget to breathe. I forget to step back, close my eyes, and inhale.

I’m needing to breathe.

These past few weeks have overwhelmed me. The toughest roller coaster I’ve ever been on. I’ve had BIG UPS; moving into my own place, working way more, sleep… And the big downs; family drama, hospital time, no sleep…

I’m tired. I’m beaten. I’m done.

I’m not sure if you’ve felt this way, tired of needing to please everyone,  tired of feeling like every person around you is upset with you over some thing you’ve done. How about feeling like no one cares if you are around or not?

Ok, I’m not going all suicidal, so don’t call Woodridge. I’m 99.9% positive we’ve all had those thoughts though.

While I was in the hospital this past week, I thought so much on things that I’m pretty sure I had a mental break down without acknowledging it. Blank walls kinda drive you crazy if you stare long enough…

I’ve realized though, I’m not going to make you happy.

If you read my blog to get a dose of happiness from me, you are messed up. I won’t make you happy, to be quite blunt, I’ll probably piss you off more than bring a smile to your face. If you are expecting me to cheer you up, leave and never come back to this blog.

I can only do so much. I can only do things I love. I can only do things that make me happy. I can only do things for me. In my mind, that means I can only do things that are for God. If making you smile is what He wants me to do, so be it. Don’t expect that to be at the top of His list though, I’m sure He wants to smile on His own from time to time.

Here I am, taking a step back, closing my eyes, and taking a breath. Tears will fall. Sun will warm my skin. Wind will blow through my hair. I will be in my Father’s lap. Oh, the beauty in laying in His lap and just being loved. I feel it happening. I feel the desire to lay there forever. Safety. Comfort. I know it has to end though.

I will get up, look in His loving face, and know He has more plans for me. Plans that don’t involve me setting up camp on His lap because it’s ‘safe’. He will protect me in other ways, but those times I lay in His lap… oh my. Magnificent. I love those times. I thrive for times like that.

My name is Melanie Fetterhoff. I am an emotional basket case today. And my Father loves me for it. He understands. I welcome you to join me.


First 5 things you should know…


I’ve been MIA lately, and I am here to say ‘I’m Okay!’

I’ve been dealing with some sickness, but I’m back in action now. Ready to blog, as long as you are ready to read!

 

While being sick, I was in the hospital on strict bed rest. I noticed that at a hospital it all looks very plain, organized, and… well you kinda go crazy if you stay there too long. I had a lot of time to think while I was there, and here are a few of the things I thought.

5 things you should know when being a patient.

1. Your experience should remind you of one of your favorite TV shows.

Doctor remind you of House? Nurse remind you of Meridith Grey? For me, the random people I passed in the hallway were the people I would be stranded with on a mysterious island, trying to find our purpose in life. My experience was “LOST” induced.

2. Eating the food could kill you, if your illness doesn’t.

Ok, not really, but the first night, I had my mom bring me a burger from a local burger place. Next night, she brought me chicken fajita nachos. After that meal? I lost my appetite for four days. I’m pretty sure the hospital food would have killed me if I forced it down my throat.

3. No matter how ‘alright’ they are with their job, a nurse hates to deal with your urine cups just as much as you hate to give it to them.

I’m sure I hated it more than they did, because every time I felt the urge to use the restroom, I had to page a nurse. It’s so nice to know every bathroom visit was recorded in my file.

4. Keep people updated.

Your friends and family WILL hate you if you don’t tell them you’re still alive. That’s a word from the wise, and I consider myself wise.

5. Anxiety will become calming.

Instead of counting sheep, you count the list of all the things you need to be doing instead of laying in a hospital bed.

 

You might have more to add to this list, or you might have funny stories of hospital visits. Feel free to share!


Let the confessing begin!


Ok, so I thought I might take a turn away from the serious and meaningful side of my writings.

Time for me to confess.


  • I have recently started drinking milk straight from the jug. When I moved, it was like a mark of freedom. So, if you come by, plan on bringing your own milk.

 

  • When I shop at a grocery store, I never put things back on their original shelf when I decide not to buy them. I just figure that I’m helping someone keep their job by giving them something to do.

 

  • I can’t read more than one book at a time. If I try it, in my mind all of the characters switch plots and it all gets screwed up.

 

  • My most spiritual moments happen when I’m in my car alone. A ‘car fit’ is a common thing for me. If you pass my car on the side of the road and I’m singing and crying all at the same time, keep driving.

 

  • I love love love being around people, but after a little bit, I love even more staying home by myself with my phone off and watching TV while making necklaces.

 

  • There are two ‘P’s in my life. Pizza and popcorn. I eat enough of both in a weeks time to feed a small village for a month. Ok, I exaggerate a lot, but it’s closer to being true than Milli Vanilli ever making a come back with their real voices.

 

  • I have a t-shirt problem. If I had enough money, I would buy a t-shirt for every day of each year. I love looking up t-shirt designs like old men like watching the weather channel.

 

  • It doesn’t matter where I am, I use the 4th bathroom stall in any public restroom I use. This started when I started college, but it seemed like every time I went, the 4th stall was always just cleaned by the janitor. No joke.

 

  • I don’t like big chunks of ice in my drink. I love crushed ice, Sonic ice, shaved ice… the easier to chew, the happier I will be with the drink.

 

  • I get a Pal’s sweet tea at least three times a day.

 

  • Brand new socks are way better than socks freshly washed.

So, how about you? What are some fun confessions that you have and others don’t know about?


New skin


Yeah, new year, new start, yadda yadda.

For me, I’m starting this new year with such a big jump.

I officially have my own home now!

Ok, so I’m renting it, but for me and my family this is a big deal. I’m officially out of being under the same roof as family. I’m on my own, a whole new world and pile of responsibility with that. Oh boy, this is going to be exciting!

Anyways, I haven’t written in awhile, kind of been in a funk lately, but it’s shaking off and ideas are flowing through my brain on what to write on in the next days, week, months. Through this month I’ve seen a lot of hurt and have dealt with my own struggles. But now, I’m shedding that skin. I’m stretching, walking on new ground, and looking ahead, not behind me.

I hope to do a lot this new year, I hope to get things out there for others to see and enjoy. I hope my necklaces get more notice and I finally get to set up a website for them. I hope to get refocused for school in the fall. I also hope I’m able to touch the hearts of so many, through this blog, through friendships, through the lines at the grocery store. I hope.

What are your hopes this year? Dreams? Wants?


Relationship status


With a sheet of ice to keep me warm, of course I would think about a relationship. Not just any, but I mean the most perfect one I’ve ever been in.

He’s amazing, truly. The most beautiful (yes, he’s beautiful), caring, loving, protective, honest man I’ve ever loved. He loves me too. Oh you better believe he does. He reminds me every day, and loves me enough to nudge me when I’ve hurt others He loves. He picks me up when I fall, and holds my hand when I get lost. Oh and when I’m angry, He reminds me of how I should love others and not spread hate.

Who is this man? I’m sure you know, but if not I’ll tell you…

Jesus.

He truly is spectacular. Honestly. He provides. He teaches. He corrects. He loves. He cares. He listens. He helps. He leads. He watches. He heals. He creates. He surrounds.

He’s everything.

I’ve been thinking though, of Facebook. Relationship statuses seem to be one of the #1 things that pop up in the ‘News Feed’. Why is that? Well, as me and my friends (and some of yours) say, “It’s not official until it’s on Facebook.”

I think we all are pretty pathetic though. Official, only through Facebook? Why?

Well, we like to show off. It’s a sign saying “LOOK! I’m in a relationship! Be proud! Be amazed! Be jealous! Be nosy!”

I’m not trying to put YOU down by saying that, because I’m the same way. But think about it, we are pathetic. We are pathetic because we HAVE to have others approve of the relationship, boost our egos, make us know we made a good choice.

To bad God doesn’t have us change our relationship status on Facebook to be with Jesus. Ticket to heaven right there. Everyone would do it. How easy would that be? Could you see it now?

“Hey, it’s God. New way to get to me? Just change your status on Facebook to ‘In a relationship with Jesus’ and I’ll see you at the pearly gates.”

Yeah, it’s funny. I thank God though that we have to do more.

We have to believe.

There are a few steps to ‘being in a relationship with Jesus’ in my eyes. Here are a few:

1. Meet and Greet

We all have had our ‘meet and greet’ by now. I’m sure of it. It’s usually in passing. Hearing people say “Oh my G**!” leaves us wondering “Man, people like to yell this guy’s name a lot… I wonder what he did wrong?”

2. Friendship

We’re pals. We’re buds. We’re like this (vision of crossed fingers here….). The friendship begins. Kinda poking around with each other. He pops up in odd places, like the conversation with a friend from school or work, and we put on our “We’re just friends” cap on. How close of friends are you? The “I occasionally go to church and visit with him and see him in passing” type of friends. Petty much only acquaintances.

3. Courtship

Man, that Jesus likes to ‘woo’ us. (reminds me of the Adam and Eve skit from Skit Guys, check it out!) We’re finally coaxed enough to visit Him more often, so much that we even capitalize ‘Him’ when we type things! Dude!

4. Dating

You like Him. Palms get sweaty and your heart races when you sing a song for Him, or when you know that the thing that JUST HAPPENED was Him winking at you. He takes you out to see His creation, you blush. He blooms flowers at your door, you giggle in glee. He says your eyes were created just like the stars in the sky… you melt. Man, He’s one smooth talker!

5. It’s official

You are head over heals in LOVE. You adore how He knows you and loves you. What about how He didn’t give up? He was trying to attract you since day one. I mean, really. White on rice type of affection right here.

Great stuff, huh? Everything seems great. But, getting into relationships are big stuff. There are other things that are involved in relationships. Selflessness, care, love, honesty… and all of those things should happen even when you are upset or down. Jesus does those things for us no matter how screwed up we make our lives, shouldn’t we return those same things to Him?

We have rough spots, we have sad spots, we even have icy spots. But, no matter what, He loves us. Sure, we let go of His hand every now and then (more times than not) thinking we can do things on our own. He stays with us though, knowing we’ll come to our senses sooner or later.

Thank God there is more to a relationship with Christ than just Facebook.