Basket case.

You are a basket case. Believe me, deep down, your emotions would end up putting you in a nut house if you let them.

Could you imagine, sitting at work, knowing your emotions are just sitting there, waiting to burst out and take over? Letting them do that would cause your boss to think you’re unstable and a nut job.

Same problem, different place. What about at school, on a free day. No finals coming up, no big tests, but you have the emotional range of a teaspoon and you are about to let them flow out of you. Teacher thinks you need to see the nurse, students think you need to pop in another pill and calm down.

Same emotions, new venue. Sitting in a pew, the weight of the world on your shoulders, emotions right behind your eyes, ready to just pour completely out. Reactions? Preacher understands and prays from his seat for you to feel love. Prayer warrior next to you holds your hand and prays that you let it all out. The stranger behind you? Glad they aren’t the only one feeling that way.

Sometimes, I forget to breathe. I forget to step back, close my eyes, and inhale.

I’m needing to breathe.

These past few weeks have overwhelmed me. The toughest roller coaster I’ve ever been on. I’ve had BIG UPS; moving into my own place, working way more, sleep… And the big downs; family drama, hospital time, no sleep…

I’m tired. I’m beaten. I’m done.

I’m not sure if you’ve felt this way, tired of needing to please everyone,  tired of feeling like every person around you is upset with you over some thing you’ve done. How about feeling like no one cares if you are around or not?

Ok, I’m not going all suicidal, so don’t call Woodridge. I’m 99.9% positive we’ve all had those thoughts though.

While I was in the hospital this past week, I thought so much on things that I’m pretty sure I had a mental break down without acknowledging it. Blank walls kinda drive you crazy if you stare long enough…

I’ve realized though, I’m not going to make you happy.

If you read my blog to get a dose of happiness from me, you are messed up. I won’t make you happy, to be quite blunt, I’ll probably piss you off more than bring a smile to your face. If you are expecting me to cheer you up, leave and never come back to this blog.

I can only do so much. I can only do things I love. I can only do things that make me happy. I can only do things for me. In my mind, that means I can only do things that are for God. If making you smile is what He wants me to do, so be it. Don’t expect that to be at the top of His list though, I’m sure He wants to smile on His own from time to time.

Here I am, taking a step back, closing my eyes, and taking a breath. Tears will fall. Sun will warm my skin. Wind will blow through my hair. I will be in my Father’s lap. Oh, the beauty in laying in His lap and just being loved. I feel it happening. I feel the desire to lay there forever. Safety. Comfort. I know it has to end though.

I will get up, look in His loving face, and know He has more plans for me. Plans that don’t involve me setting up camp on His lap because it’s ‘safe’. He will protect me in other ways, but those times I lay in His lap… oh my. Magnificent. I love those times. I thrive for times like that.

My name is Melanie Fetterhoff. I am an emotional basket case today. And my Father loves me for it. He understands. I welcome you to join me.


About mefetterhoff

From baking, buttons and blogging, all my thoughts typed out on a website. View all posts by mefetterhoff

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