Day 18: One of those days..


Today… has been a day. It’s been a day that I’ve been in such a mood, I shut off my phone a few minutes ago because I knew I was being too rude to who I was talking to.

I miss my church. I miss it so stinking much. It kills me.

No, I’m not over seas or out of town. I was at work.

Last time I had a foot in my church? An exact month ago.

Today, the need to be at my church was so overwhelming, I got angry with myself. Truly angry. Then, everything got me angry. My tire needs to be replaced, which means all of my tires need to be replaced. A friend was trying to joke with me, but I took it personally. I’m turning into someone I’ve sworn I’d never become, and that irritates me to no end. I over analyze, I criticize yet can’t handle any form of criticism. I dwell on things. I want things that I can’t have, and never will.

I want to be happy.

We all want that don’t we?

I come home after work, to an empty house. Watch tv, read a little, then lay in bed and think of how nice it would be to just have someone there to talk to. Then I think of my list of things I want in my apartment before I start inviting people over more often. Also, I think of how much money that will cost and think of how many hours of work I would need to do. Lastly, I think of how I will fail at it and just become someone who works and sleeps and never lays eyes on friends and family.

Family? Ha. I’m a part of a family that is so screwed up we don’t even know how it all started.

I want to be the person who doesn’t care what others think. Who speaks her mind, does what she wants and feels, and lives with no regrets. Man, the regrets pile up though. I even sometimes regret thinking something, even if I haven’t done it. Insane!

Argh! Rant rant rant.

I’m having one of those days. How about you?


Day 7: Are you?


Yesterday I remembered a lesson I listened to when I was in YWAM.

It was about praying for change.

We all have desires to see change. Nations on their faces worshiping God. Feed the hungry. Clothe the poor. Succeed at world peace.

We see these things as goals. A list of opportunities we want to see happen in our lifetime.

We pray.

We study.

We do… nothing.

When we pray, we secretly hope that others get to go and do these things. We are scared of failure. Scared of taking the step. Scared of change. We are comfortable with our surroundings.

What about changing our fears?

How about this, praying with the willingness of being the answer?

Hear me out, why don’t we pray as if the answer we receive will be for us to be the change.

What if all it took was a desire to BE the change. A desire to make these changes happen. A want to be a part of it. A fear of sitting in the crowd and watching it all pass us by.

Are you with me? Are you willing to pray for something to happen, and for you to be the answer?


Day 6: The Status Quo


Oh my. I don’t think there has been a day in these past six days that I’ve not thought ‘Dude, that would be an amazing Facebook status.. oh wait. Forty days isn’t up yet.’

From amazing food I ate this weekend, to the dog with the pink sweater I saw in town today, I have wanted to tell the world.

Why? Why have I even cared enough to want to tell people who could probably care less about what I have to say or what I have to do?

Notifications.

They are the devil I tell you. The devil. It tells you that people thought of you at this specific moment. Thought you were insightful, funny, or that you misspelled something. Also, it shows they ‘liked’ what you said.

Ever since Facebook, I’ve noticed that how I place my self worth is how many notifications I have. Pathetic. (I seem to like that word here as of late.)

Six days in, and I’m wondering ‘How many notifications do I have? How many people have noticed I’m not on there anymore?’ Ugh.

Today I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of how much it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if people like me, wonder what I do from day to day or even care about what I think. It doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that I care about myself. I need to love myself for who I am, for me. Why base my worth on what others think? It’s the internet. Who cares?

I’m learning to not live by the status quo of the world. I’m learning to live by the status quo of where I will end up. The glorious home of my Father.

Who’s with me?


Day 5: Shew lawdy.


This weekend was AMAZING!

Working at YEC was incredible, and let me tell you, my body is already beginning to hurt from the work. Can’t wait for the morning…

So, I had a lot of thoughts this weekend that I’d like to share:

1. Work will not stop no matter how tired you get.

Lets just say, being sleep deprived didn’t make things slow down. Working at a conference doesn’t mean things will revolve around how you feel or what you want to do. You do it then, and relax later.

2. The weirdest kids show up at conferences.

I saw kids with glow sticks hanging out their ears. Kids asking others for numbers without asking for their names. Beach balls must have been on the ‘must have’ list for packing. Break dancing isn’t one of the gifts many of them have. No one cares about personal space, and no one showers during these weekends. No one.

3. Pranking others for a laugh will backfire and give you an emotional roller coaster that you never expected.

My group decided to pick on a girl in our group for a laugh. Lets just say, after angry rants, phone calls, storming out of the car at a red light and a cop harassing half our group, the girl should have gotten a grammy. And I should have been handed a Valium.

4. People will exit your life.

This is a more serious note, but people you expect to be trustworthy will show their butts and give you the exact reason that you needed to show that your relationship will never be what you wanted. It’s tough, but it’s life. You can’t please everyone.

5. You miss your home more than ever.

I love love love going on trips. I love meeting new people, making friends and goofing off. By the end, I miss my bed and the comfort of my own home more than ever. Being home is just… amazing.

By the way, Facebook fast is going great!


Day 2: Exciting Weekend ahead.


Ok, it’s ‘earlier’ than the day actually being finished. Oh well.

Today I am only focusing on one thing. If you guessed Facebook, you’re WRONG!

I’m thinking of Nashville.

This weekend, I will be working with a group of friends at YEC this year. I’ve never been before, but I can’t contain my excitement. I get to spend time with some amazing people while volunteering at an amazing place and experiencing God’s amazing work. Amazing… haha.

On a side note, so far so good. Facebook is the last thing on my mind. I’m loving this.


Day 1: Jonesing begins.


Started my day wishing the 40 days were over. Already.

No, I’m not that addicted to Facebook… Ok, maybe I am, but first thought that went through my head was ‘What the heck are you going to do now that you have sooooo much free time in your day?’

Consider me… antsy. It’s like I’m going through withdraws, no joke.

I’m feeling pathetic, but it’s good. I’m riding myself of spending hours comairing myself and sizing myself up. I’m also spending more time with Christ.

Want to know how many times I prayed today? A LOT. Not because of Facebook, but actually for other people. I spent a lot of time today praying for people who I thought of, talked to, texted and… well everyone. It was so nice really. I feel like I’m talking to an old friend.

I’ve realized that I’ve turned Jesus into an ‘old friend’. By filling my free time with Facebooking and internet surfing, I take away time from talking to my best friend.

I’m so glad I chose to do this (even if the next 40 days is full of complaining). I know this is going to change me and the way I look at things. The way I look at life.

I started reading a book called ’90 Minutes in Heaven’ today. I got through the first chapter. And cried. It gave me chills and made me realize how scared of death I am. I know where I’m going, so I’m not scared of that at all, but I’m scared of the way I will die. Morbid I know, but give me some slack. I’m 21, just tasting what life is. Knowing it could all end at any given second… Shew.

The celebration the author describes of his greeting to Heaven is something I am looking forward to.

So there we are, I survived my first day. Struggled… a lot, but I made it.

 

*** How about you? Did you make it with your fasting?


40 days and 40 nights


Yes, it’s that time again.

Lent.

And I do realize I’m the worst blogger in the world, but this will soon change.

I have decided that my lent with be spent Facebook free. If you know me, you know this will be very difficult for me. I feel like I sound like a nut case, but I spend more time on Facebook that doing anything else each day. It’s pathetic. Last year I gave up soda, and it was actually very difficult because most places only serve soda. Some places don’t even serve water!

So, here I go. Taking a deep breath, getting some good books, grabbing my list of things I’ve been wanting to accomplish and jumping in.

I will be posting each day (seriously, I will) about things I’m learning through my devotionals and such.

I’m excited because this will hopefully result in a new me. I realize I get jealous, angry, self doubting and depressed when I go on Facebook. I compare myself to others, I judge others, and I gossip over what I see.

I shouldn’t be that way.

Christians shouldn’t be this way.

I’m going to rid what is the root of what is causing the most wrong in my life right now.

I can’t wait. I can’t wait to start, and admittedly I can’t wait for it to end. I hope that in the end I have no desire for it, honestly.

Here we go!

 

*** So what are you giving up for lent? How do you plan to avoid it?